What NOT To Say To A Couple Who Has Lost A Baby

I’m back with this weeks piece around miscarriage topics. It took me a little longer to finish up this post because I got more of a response then I was expecting. Tim and I wanted to share our story and tell you guys some of things we were told during our miscarriages. I also put the comment out on Facebook, regarding if they too would like to share the comments they received.

Well, I got an overwhelming response. I was torn by some of the comments; angry, hurt, sad, shocked and surprised. It was an emotional few days, that just seem to be coming to an end. I can’t believe the people out there, they can be so cruel.

During our two miscarriages, Tim & I have come across some…how should I call them, HURTFUL words from people about our loss. We’ve noticed the hurtful words were usually from people who have never had to go through such a horrible experience. They are our closes friends and family and yet, their comments can be so mean. Some times people just don’t know what to say, so they open their mouths and –BAM-crap– comes out.

We started to notice this was happening more and more, once we were announcing our loss to friends and family. The support was there and they meant well…but when you come home and think about your loss, comments start running through your head.

Ever heard of that expression: “Think before you speak?”. Well, let’s just say it happened more then once. So to keep with the Miscarriage Topic this week, I wanted to share with you a few things not to say to someone who’s had a loss at one time or another.

(A lot of these comments were expressed to us at one time or another. We don’t mean to offend anyone, just wanted to share. After the grieving process, I can laugh at these ridiculous comments now. But going forward, I would hate to see the woman who may lash out at you for saying something like these below:)

  • “Saying Nothing”— I get sometimes, you don’t know what to say, and that’s okay. Saying nothing is a lot better then trying to pull something out and it being so hurtful we don’t want to talk to you ever. again. This would probably be the best thing to do. How about send a card, saying your sorry for their loss and you are there to talk if they need to.
  • “At Least It Works”— I’m sorry exactly what works? I don’t understand, why or how that would actually make me feel better? Why would you think that would relate to us in anyway? Really?? The fact that we got pregnant was a sign in the right direction, but your comment still hurts.
  • “Be Happy For Other People Who Are Pregnant”— Yes I can be, but do I really want to?? I mean, it hurts that everyone else around us is getting their dream of being pregnant and having their baby. So think about it…it might not be right away, but one day we will be happy for others.
  • “Why Does This Keep Happening To You?”— I don’t know maybe I just have BAD LUCK!! Ha, like I have answers for you. Like miscarriages are so easy to explain. If we knew then maybe we could prevent them from happening. Don’t you think we’ve asked that same question? Don’t you think we’ve had about a thousand questions running through our minds with no explained answer?
  • “At Least You Got Pregnant!”— Oh yes, at least I got pregnant! With three pregnancies and two miscarriages, do you think that makes it okay we’ve lost two of our babies?? I. Don’t. Think. So!
  • “Switch Doctors”— Yes, because it’s my Doctor’s fault. I have one of the BEST Surgeons and Fertility Doctors in the Austin Area. He is always so positive and hopeful, what he does is Amazing work. I couldn’t ask for a better doctor. For the record: Both pregnancy were without medication, all natural.
  • “Your So Stressed”— Being pregnant and worrying if you might lose this baby too can surly add a lot of stress for you. Feeling any little movement or cramping adding doubt that something could be wrong. That’s not going away. Does that really seem like something you should tell someone?
  • “At Least You Lost It Early”— It doesn’t matter when you lose a child, it’s still a loss. It can be a miscarriage, a neonatal death, or a still birth, it’s still a loss. It’s still a life inside you.
  • “Wow, That Sucks!”— Really! Really!! That’s what you say to someone who looses a baby?? “That Sucks!” Well, here is what I say to you, (in my mind of course) “YOU S.U.C.K.!!!
  • “Really, Again??”— Yes, again I lost another baby. Because that’s what I do, I keep losing babies. You Jerk!! Don’t you think I know that I’m sitting here tell you this is our second miscarriage and you come back with “AGAIN”!! So if we loose our third baby, will you say, “AGAIN”?? Be careful because you just might find my fist down your throat. OUCH!! :)
  • “They Say Having A Second Child Isn’t Hard After Your Frist”— Really, who is “THEY”?? I want to meet them. Ever heard of “Secondary Infertility”? That’s when you have trouble conceiving a second child after the first without medication. This is not true for everyone so don’t say this. This is what I have, and as you can see we have been trying for 2 years!! 2 years!! It’s not that easy.
  • “You’re Young, You’ll Have More Kids”— That may be true when I was in my 20′s. Being in your 30′s can tend to be more difficult and your egg count start to decrease mid to late 30′s.

Here are some comments offered by friends and family: They wanted to share their rude comments expressed to them during this difficult time.

**“It’s a good thing you lost it because then I would have lost my “Party Buddy”.

**”How about you just have a few drinks, it’s still early, it won’t make a difference.”

**”You can have Motrin, this probably isn’t a viable pregnancy anyways, so you should be fine.” The comment was from a mid-wife.

**“You lost the baby, it’s natural, deal with it.”

**“It was a spontaneous abortion”.

**“We are just going to DISCARD of this thing.” Patient saw their baby placed in a trash can right next to them.

I tell you, I got so many comments, that I was mixed about sharing, but this happens. This is real! The life we’ve held inside us is real and should be shared with others out there.

So please, if you are every in a position where you need to respond to a couple who have lost their child, then just offer your shoulder. Think before you speak, remember…this could be you.

Thanks to everyone who offered their story, and I am so sorry you got some of the response you did. It’s awful I know, but also know that not everyone is evil, they just don’t think before they speak.

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